I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
