my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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