i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
