I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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