Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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