I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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