I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
