thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
