Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
