you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
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He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
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I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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