I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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