the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
