Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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