Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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