Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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