If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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