Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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