There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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