i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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