those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
