There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
