I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
