I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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