My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
