My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
