if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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