I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
