Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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