You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
