So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
