I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
