Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
