She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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