you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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