She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
