I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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