My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
