I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Someone shattered a urinal.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
