I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
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If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
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I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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