i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
