I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
