After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize