someone threw a dead crab at me
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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