Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
