I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
