I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
