now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
