I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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