Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
