My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
