gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.