he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
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She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
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He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.