how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
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Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
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ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.