marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
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Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
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We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...