Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
