don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
