I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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